Accessing Mental Health Support

Cass shares her story about her every day mental health toolbox and accessing mental health support before it's too late.

Normalising the stigma associated with mental health access is welcome and supported within our community. 

Thanks mama for sharing your story!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:05

Welcome beautiful mamas, I am your host Shea Harrison. This podcast is a place for Springfield and local surrounding area mamas to share their stories about life, motherhood and everything in between, completely judgement free. I am so excited to be able to share these stories with you and give women an opportunity to be heard. So if you're ready to laugh, open your mind and be part of a supportive sharing community, let's crack on. Welcome beautiful mamas, I am your host Shea Harrison. This podcast is a place for Springfield and local surrounding area mamas to share their stories about life, motherhood and everything in between, completely judgement free. Hi, welcome to the podcast. How are you feeling? All right, I'm a bit nervous, but yeah, we'll see. It'll be great. I'm so excited to hear your story. So we'll crack on and you'll introduce yourself and we'll go from there. I'm Cass. I'm 32. I'm a teacher. I'm not a mum yet, but maybe one day. Maybe one day. Maybe one day. That's exciting. And yeah, I just wanted to share my story about how over the years I've accessed psychological help and kind of break that stereotype that you have to have a diagnosis as like something to actually get that health yeah health care yeah like you have to have depression to access it where that's not always the case it can be lots of you don't want to really get to the point where you have depression and reach it you can do steps before then yeah yeah so um for me it's just been part of like learning who I am and sorting myself out or if I like notice like it's usually when I'm feeling a bit of a dip in how I'm um coping with the world and how I'm interacting with people or how um performing at work yeah um but yeah so being able to be like hang on i can break this like kind of circuit and be like i need help and this is how i can go about doing it yeah um but it has been like a few years coming to that like normalization in myself as well because in the beginning it was very scary um there's something wrong with me yeah yeah um and the first time so in So my main thing always comes back to doubting whether people like me. And I, a lot of the time in relationships, like with men or with friends, I kind of find situations to validate that feeling. Do you want to have a child? No. Yeah, okay. It doesn't come from my family at all. Yeah, okay. I have a really beautiful, amazing, supportive family. So I don't really know where this I'm unlovable, I'm unlikable even came from. And then does that make sense? you feel a little bit fraudulent. Yes. Like I've, you know, I didn't have a rough upbringing. I wasn't abused, you know, all of these things. And there's still something that's, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I understand that. But it's lucky that you did have a really lovely upbringing. Yeah, absolutely. And obviously it just shows that it doesn't matter really kind of where you've come from. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the first time I was like, something's not right. I really want to talk to someone. I was in a relationship that I should not have been in. Yeah. How old were you? It was 2017, I'm 13 now, I don't math. Was it 2017? Yeah. So six years ago? Yeah. So five years ago. Yeah. So you would have been 28. I'm not a math teacher. I'm not very good at math either. We're wrong. Please feel free to let us know, but we're going to continue with 28. Yeah. Um, yeah. So he, you know, nice guy, just wrong guy. He worked in like a social work realm, um, up in Townsville. I've lived in Townsville for a couple of years. Oh yeah. Um, and I was like, look, I'm miserable. I just need to talk to someone. Um, I was burning my friends out because... Are you from Brisbane? Yes. Okay, so you moved up there to be with him? Teacher. He moved up to be with me and then kind of resented me for it. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. So that's a whole other story. No, no, that's fine. But yeah, so... So sorry, just the friends that you had up there, they were just friends that you had made when you relocated? Yeah. Okay, yep. Yeah, and they're beautiful people. But because when I get in my head, I talk about it a lot. and so they were trying really really hard to be supportive but you get sick of hearing the same thing over and over and over and it was I didn't blame them but I just because I was like needing something yeah I was burning that bridge essentially yeah and it was at work as well so I'm like didn't have that boundary between this is my personal life this is my professional life whereas in Brisbane I do yeah okay so yeah I had this conversation with the ex-boyfriend at the time and I'm like I'm just I'm miserable, I need to talk to someone. And his reaction was, but I work with those agencies. That would look badly on me because they might ask you about me. What? Right? So I was like, oh, okay, I'll keep it to myself. And it just like kept festering, kept festering. Yeah, okay. And eventually, like that relationship wasn't great anyway. So eventually it just blew up. Yeah, okay. And my family were the ones that kind of picked me up and caught me, which was good. And then... And then got my shit together eventually. And then I started dating another man like a little bit time later. And he was lovely and he spoiled me and we went out to these fancy dinners and whatever. But from the beginning he was like, I don't really want anything serious. But I ignored a lot of the things that he said. I can change you. Kind of, yeah. You will love me because I am lovable even though you don't think that you're lovable. Yeah, I get that. yeah so um and then it got to the point where I'm like I think I'm falling in love with you and he was like well I'm not there like that's not what I wanted like so it kind of just sent me spiraling of like and I don't know if it's like part of that belief of I'm unlovable if I looked for that absolutely yeah you were you would have somehow found a way to damage that relationship in my opinion because I feel I've been in very similar situations so it was an easy pick he's not going to break your heart from the beginning yeah so it was an easy yeah relationship to want to get out of yeah that makes sense i don't know but i think it was part of this big thing and i think it was very much towards the end so i was in townsville for five years missing my family terribly yeah um and i was homesick um heartbroken because of the situation i put myself in yep yep um and i was like i need to talk to someone one again so I went to my doctor and it was just some random doctor because my real GP is in Brisbane and he tried really hard to support me but everything he said was just silly he was like just imagine imagine that you are a knight and you've got this sword and your feelings are this dragon you've got to slay them and he tried so hard and I'm like the English teacher in me appreciates the metaphor but you just swing and a miss mate swing and a miss yeah pick your audience yeah so but we did start all the paperwork to get that sorted to get like a mental health plan sorted yes sorry and it seems to be taking too long like the emotional state that I was in at that time was like I can't do it all so it's like the paperwork was you do an initial assessment with your GP and then it was your assessment by the mental health nurse that was there that did another paperwork and which has since been different with me accessing it um since then so i don't know it has changed yeah maybe you well i have access yeah mental health services i haven't had a mental health plan but that's because i'm dva okay um but you just go to the doctor and they write you a referral yeah and then you show that referral to your gp yeah sorry to um your psychologist of choice so the two times that i've seen them since has been that simple yeah right but the first time it just seemed yeah there just seemed to be a lot of hoops at that point in time and i don't know if it's that it's just that changed or if it was an initial thing i don't know yeah um but i ended up again spilling my personal life into work and having a little rant and they're like well why don't you access the employee assistance program all right education queensland has and it's all free yes so i did that and i made the phone call and by the end of that two minute phone call i had an appointment like the next day wow yeah so is that unlimited psychology no they were i think it was four consults per financial year but if you need the extra they can refer um they can add another two or something yeah okay then so i ended up just using the four which was good for me but i got paired with this guy named michael this psychologist named michael and he was really really great because he didn't talk in metaphors he talked in science and he talked a little bit about the the id or something something related to psychological theory but it was basically like you do this because your brain does this and it was very based on the science and based on what everybody's brain typically does and that made me feel normal so he like a lot of my impulse stuff he was like this is why you're doing that and he this is the first psychologist that you've ever seen at this point ever ever and I already like I went there with Hollywood expectations of what it would be like that there'd be a fluffy chair that they'd have a notebook and it just wasn't like I'd pictured in my brain um he he just looked like a dad oh really yeah yeah yeah a really friendly dad yeah um but his approach with me really really worked because it was scientific based it was strategy based and He's like, well, when you're in this spiral of everything sucks, what can you do? I'm like, I don't know. That's why I get all the way down to the bottom of the spiral because I don't know how. So he started with this simple just sit there and watch your belly as you breathe up and breathe down. And I have since used that to calm down kids in class. So it was really helpful. Multifaceted. Yes. But it started. that process of starting to understand why my brain does what it does without it being like a you are in this box you have this personality thing like it's never been like a formal diagnosis thing of this is what you are and this is why you do it it was kind of just normalising the fact that your brain sometimes is really mean but you can do stuff to break that circuit and like change the way that you think yeah But it's not easy. It always sounds poxy, but it is mindfulness. It's being made aware of what you're doing. And then being aware in the moment that it is X, Y, Z reason, not just going through it. Yeah. And just being very deliberate with how you treat yourself. Even if it's just you're deliberately being kind to yourself because at that point in time, you're not at your best and not attacking yourself for feeling the way that you are. Yeah. So, yeah, that was a really, really positive situation for me. But also he gave me permission. I didn't need permission, but at that point in time I did. He's like, transfer home because home is where you're loved. Home is where you're safe. I was still dating the wrong guy at that time and doing, like, silly things. Yeah. Because... Because I didn't have that sense of self-worth or self-esteem to be like, you know what, I deserve better than what he's offering. Even though he's lovely, I deserve more than what he has on offer. Do you remember the first time that you felt feeling unworthy? Or was it triggered from this move and this relationship, do you think? I think I've just always felt it. Because I even remember in primary school, I've always found it really easy to make friends, but not really... Maintain them. Maintain them, or I take it so personally. personally when the friendships fizzle out or like end and it's never like even if it's not like this dramatic boom of you're a crap friend which i don't believe i am um even just cancelling like we've made plans to go out for dinner oh they've cancelled right well that's the end of that one yeah yeah but even like so i hadn't even met you yet when i had to cancel our first boot camp and i felt so guilty the first message i sent you was like asking your permission to cancel even though i felt sick yeah yeah that's because i unsent it before you saw it Oh, did you? I didn't even notice that. So you felt these feelings. Oh, I'm just terrified of people not liking me. And I know that's such like a childish thing. And everyone's like, oh, don't worry what people think. But I do. It's not. I 100% do. Yeah, I'm the same. It's not that easy. No. Yeah. But yeah, as a kid, I'd come home crying to mum going, I have no friends. I had friends, but I just had this feeling that I didn't have real friends, that they didn't really like me. Yeah. Were you bullied? Yes. I think everyone was bullied to a certain extent. Yeah. Yeah. Like this mate. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. But... Yeah. So you felt the feelings from a youth, but this relationship was obviously the trigger for you to say, okay, I need help. Yeah. I need to do more than live my life feeling like this. Yeah. And then you've... Well, like... To get what I want, I needed to change how I was behaving and how I was treating myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's very cliche, but that idea of not... Because I wanted to be loved. So you can't really be loved if you don't even like who you are. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yep, yep, yep. It's cliche, but it's true. So yeah, this psychologist gave me permission to move home. And that's the end of that positive relationship. No, because... because it was going home to like, Home has always been, and I'm so lucky to have it, but it's always been somewhere to land. Always been somewhere to land. So at the end of that year, got to transfer home, and I'd always maintained key friendships in Brisbane. So whenever I came home, I'd catch up for dinners and whatever. So it was really nice to come, move back to Brisbane, start afresh in a school, but have this really clear, this is my personal life, this is my work life, and try not to like... Yeah, I've got friends here that are Outside of work. Yeah. I've got friends that are in work, but they're work friends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, back home, elated, loved it, happy, a little bit lonely. So I would spend a lot of time with friends, like deliberately spending a lot of time with friends to distract myself from that loneliness.

UNKNOWN: 16:16

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00: 16:16

But then it got to a point again, like time after, where I'm like, I'm still really, really lonely. And I was dating and dating is horrible. zero out of ten stars for dating. Do not recommend. Do not recommend. Like, there's lots of lots of, like, beautiful, beautiful people, but it's just, like, especially online dating. Yeah. Yeah. I had a guy try to pick my nose. What? Right? Oh, my God. And then I was like, okay, the online realm's not working. Who do I know that, like, we have kind of history with? So I, like, started, restarted a thing that had already not worked. Oh, no. And I was like... Very clear that I wanted to have a go at making something happen. Invited him over for dinner. Yeah, yeah. But I didn't realise how much I'd hurt him in the past. Oh, no. So he's part of his revenge ploy of he came to the dinner, but just letting him know I had to leave early because I have a Tinder date later. So stupid. But it was the trend of finding... unconsciously or consciously seeking out connections that were disasters to validate this idea, this untruth that I was unloved with. So, yeah. I dated a guy once and I was not interested in him at all, but I was like lonely. So I'm like, okay, you know, I don't want anything. I don't even want to use the word seeing each other because I was not interested in him and he pursued me and he pursued me and he pursued me. And then eventually I kind of just went, okay, look, you seem pretty interested. You know, it's not been like we've had kind of fun. I just was not interested in him. And so I said, well, let's give this a go. And then he just started dating someone else, sent me a message that said, the only reason I wanted to be with you was to prove to you that you could be hurt. And I was like, what? What? Like, who even does that? It makes no sense. It made no sense. But then I was angry because I'd been used and manipulated. And I was like, you knew that I didn't want anything. Like, why couldn't you have just leave me be? Yeah. So people were just twisted. Yeah. Yeah. yeah and I don't actively go out to hurt people I acknowledge that I did hurt him in what happened but it wasn't a conscious thing it wasn't a purposeful thing whereas that like oh sure I'll come on a date with you but I'm gonna malicious isn't it yeah yeah it's just pure payback yeah so yeah that happened and I was like just spiraling and with that particular person just doing like really toxic things and it was impacting the friendships around me. So I was like, yeah, I need to reach out and get help again. Are you comfortable explaining what some of these toxic behaviours were? Mine would have been drinking. Drinking to the point of crying, like... I was just, yeah, drinking the misery away, essentially. And then getting to a point where... I don't know, just stupid things to... further damage my self-esteem yeah okay yeah yeah yeah um so the next time i tried to get the mental health plan it was a lot easier because you're in the system already i think so just because you knew what to expect probably knew what to expect um so yeah mental health plan i think Once I'd done that process, I didn't actually take the next step because I was like, it was enough to be like, to reach out to a GP and be like, I need help. So I kind of sat on that for a bit. And then my sister was pregnant and she found out at 20 weeks that her baby has a heart defect. So the doctors were doom and gloom. This baby is not going to survive. So that... That's sad. It was horrible because we, you know, this baby was also so unwanted. It was five years in the making. Yeah. So we started mourning her and I put all this pressure on myself to be strong for my sister. She never asked me to do that. She didn't expect me to do that. But I... I was attacking myself for not being strong enough, but then attacking myself for feeling what I was feeling because I wasn't the one that was pregnant and I wasn't the one really facing this because it was her journey. It was her experience and her horrible situation. So then I was back to the GP and she was like, well, if it was happening to my sister, I'd probably feel the same. So... And you and your family are close. Very close. But it was like needing that permission again to feel what I was feeling. So then I did go through mental health plan referral process and then found a psychologist at Forest Lake. And she was wonderful. And the whole time I was talking to her, she was just validating everything that I was feeling was normal. And just talking through... the untruths that I tell myself and giving me like little mental things to twist it one of the things I'm like I can't let things go so she's like well imagine that you are driving down the road and one road goes straight ahead and one road goes off into like a dead end and she's like every time that you are driving along and then get into that spin where you can't let things go you're going down the dead end and you're sitting there. So she's like, imagine that you just keep driving past that. So that really, really helped because it was like a visual thing. Yeah. And that's applicable to many of the different things that I get fixated on. And I feel like I'm all over the place. I'm sorry. No, no, you're doing well. It's good. So luckily... Yeah, I had her. And I think it was about six months of seeing her every couple of– I think it was once a month. I think it was six once a month. um and i remember because um i spoke to her about a variety of things it wasn't just so that was another thing um with accessing psychologists i think you have this expectation of oh i will go and talk about grief counseling i will go and talk to her about my anxiety or stress um but i think it's just this really really vital amazing place that you can talk about anything so you You have someone's ear for that whole duration and there's no expectations of what you can say, what you can't say. And there's no fallout if you say something wrong. So it's completely safe in that space. And... Yeah. So it was just this really, really safe space to say whatever you needed to say. And then. Which isn't your friends. There's not your friends. Who you feel aren't, who are going to judge you more in the relationship. Yeah. So as I said, like when I was initially in Townsville and like spilling all my. Internal thoughts. Internal thoughts on my friends. It was too much for them. And I completely understood why they were like, I'm just going to take a step back from you yeah um whereas being in this room with a professional um who doesn't judge you he doesn't just stare at you like you're silly yeah um it's a really powerful thing it's an it's an empowering thing because um you can say oh um Something that you think about a lot but don't actually feel brave enough to say to someone that you know loves you because you don't want to offend them to be like, oh, I feel unloved even though I know you love me. And for them to go, you know what, many people say that. Many people feel that. And it's just this really calming moment of, okay, I'm just human. so by the last session that I had with that psychologist I was like I don't really have much to talk about because everything's kind of come good because life goes up and down and whatever my friendships were really good my sister's baby was going really good my sister was good my family was good work was really good so I was back at this point where I'm like I'm calm I'm functioning as I like to function I was treating myself well so she was like well okay we'll close that account for lack of a better word but if you ever need to come back you know that you can so then I had met my current partner and that was part of the goodness that was my life at the time because he's not like anyone that I've ever dated. I don't throw a lot of my toxic stuff at him as in previous relationships. It's always just been easy and healthy. And yes, it's only a year in, but it's really lovely. That's really good. And I think... I needed to do a lot of that work on myself to figure out why I do what I do before I could meet him. Because I definitely believe in timing. and yeah so that was going along swimmingly but one of the patterns that i do is when i am happy i kind of just let everything go and i stop looking after myself i stop eating well i stop exercising um and even though like my life is still really really good my family's good my niece is amazing oh good did she end up she's had multiple um procedures including open heart surgery um Did she have a heart murmur? No, she was born without the wall in her heart. Oh, yes. Something to do with ventricle. I know the word ventricle. Yep, yep, yep. And she's just this like little warrior. She's amazing. Oh, that's amazing. And she's 100% the centre of our universe. Yeah. But it's awesome, like, having her in the world, seeing my sister finally get to be a mum, like, it's amazing. I'm getting teary, sorry. No, that's fine. That's so lovely. You are obviously really close. So life has been, yeah, in a really, really good place. Yeah. But taking note that I'm putting on weight– Not being able to move as freely as I was when I was exercising and stuff like that. And then... started getting caught in negativity spirals at work. And it was really interesting because I accessed the mental health process again and went back to that same psychologist in Forest Lake and I sat down and she's like, what do you want to talk about today? And I was like, remember how last time I was like, work is amazing, everything else sucks? And she's like, yeah. I'm like, everything else is amazing, work sucks. But that first session that I had with her her I just rapid-fired like just talked the whole time all over the place probably like I have been no no no this has been very coherent um But yeah, like I just was just talking the whole time, like really fast, different topics, like just like a ping pong just all over the place. And it was funny. It kind of reflects how your brain is though, isn't it? Yeah. How you're feeling is how you're, yeah, it's all coming out. Yeah. Which in itself is beautiful that I had that space to do that. Yeah. But it was funny because she was sitting there with a notebook and I didn't think much of it. I was just like, oh, she's making notes, like clinical notes, whatever they do that. Yeah. um and then we um like she's talking to me as i'm um talking about particular things and she's like well it just sounds like you're not taking care of yourself and that was really it it was this moment that i need it sounds really silly because i get to these points where i just need someone to tell me what to do like how michael was like transfer home that'll be the solution to your problem yeah um and i'm an intelligent person so i obviously can come to these decisions by myself but it's just really nice to have that outside perspective of this is what you're saying but this is what I'm hearing yeah and when you're involved in like relationships whether it's with yourself with other people it's very easy to become myopic yes and you just focus on one particular thing and for you that was how rubbish you felt yes and that's all you can see but then like you've said someone from the outside can see in so differently yeah and then you go okay I have been myopic for the past however long now I need to broaden where I'm looking yeah so um after my rapid fire hour she showed me her notes yeah and it was this beautiful mind map that was in the middle of decisions I can make yeah and on the above like above that line was like things that I can do towards goals so I want to be better with money I want to be healthy um I want to create a classroom where kids want to come in to and they enjoy what they're learning and they're not they're just doing it because they have to do it so like multiple different things of my life that i want to be better at or i want to work towards yeah yeah and then below the line was like things that i'd identified that were sabotaging me so overspending online shopping um spending uber eats all the time um

SPEAKER_01: 31:26

not like a triple whammy isn't

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it food which is weight gain not exercising money spending yeah so it was really interesting to have this visual and I just remember like laughing like just like a maniac laughing. I'm like, you made this sense out of what I just said. It's so simple. How can I do that? Yeah. Yeah. So, and that sits on my fridge and like, it was really, really great because I had this, this physical thing to walk away with and talk to my partner about. And like, this is what I walked away with. Um, and it was good for him too, because like it lives on our fridge now. Um, and it gives him a way to kind of check in with me, like a language to meet me halfway, which with, um, and then and I'm like, let's just get pizza. She's like, where does this sit on your Bible? So, yeah, so I'm still meeting with her every few weeks and it's really, really good because I'm not in a low state of mind, but I just recognise that I need a bit of help at the moment. Maintenance. Yeah. And I think, like, we think of mental health care as something that we do when we are always at a low but I think I've got to this point that it's just like a check in with your dentist so like I scale and clean for your brain yeah yeah like you don't have to wait until it's all too much before you access it yeah yeah yeah yeah right that's so I'm so happy that you already a point now where you are able to be at maintenance because it's not an easy avenue it's not where I came from no from old mates saying but it'll impact me if you do that that's just stupid some people are just dense I can see why that relationship didn't last yeah obviously you're in a better place now do these feelings of self worth I'm still working on them yeah okay Yeah. So, yeah. So, one of the... So, with my fear of my friend... Like, I have three people that, without a doubt, I know are my friends. I've had them forever. Yeah. And my forever people. And it's just so concrete that they are there. Yeah. But I still have that paranoia of... Do people really like me or do they just tolerate me? Because I can be a lot. You are, I think, the second or third person to come on this podcast and say that exact thing. Okay. Do people like me or are they just tolerating me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that may be something that I work on forever. I don't know. But, yeah. I'm okay with the idea of... working on it. Yeah, that's really good. Awesome. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story. I just had a little pause then and I was talking to Cass and I said that I am sure that lots of people are going to resonate with the things that she has said with discussions that I've had just in general with people. And I definitely know that lots of the things that she has discussed are feelings that I have experienced through my life. So thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for having this space. No worries. Yeah, I love it. I really do love it. I get so much out of it, but we will always, Outro Music I hate the idea of having someone wipe my bum, so I think I'd choose my legs. Yeah, I'd say so. That's a good, like, you got there really, really quickly. That was nice. Hot holiday, cold holiday? Hot. I'm a sulk in the cold. Burpees or get-ups? Can I do devil press instead? What's a devil press? It's like burpees but with weights, so you can do it slower. Like a man-maker? I don't know. So like you put the weights on the ground, you jump your feet back, you jump your feet forward and then you push the weights up above your head. Yeah. Lots of different exercises have lots of different names, but that's fine. Yes. I like that one. Alrighty. And I think that that's actually it because now I've been thrown with having to think about what did you call it? A devil? Devil press. Yeah. A devil press. I think because they're like devil horns. Oh, maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Cool. That's good. Alrighty. Well then let's go with that. But that's it. Thank you so much. Thank you.