Severe Postpartum Depression

❌ TRIGGER WARNING ‼️ Postpartum depression, medication

Experience a journey with Shona who intricately describes her experience with severe postnatal depression. 

All mother's will relate to Shona's story in some way, and we hope that sharing her story will empower all women to seek help and support and realise they are not alone, nor is it weak to recognise that something is going on.

Worldwide, about 10% of pregnant women and 13% of new mothers experience a mental disorder.

If you are struggling you are not alone, and there is help.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome to the new episode of the Confidence and Connection podcast. Today's episode has been brought to you by Gym and Tonic Movement and their new online coaching program, You Glow Girl. You can see more about this program on their social media. Search at Gym and Tonic Movement. Trigger warning. Today's episode discusses severe postpartum depression and suicide. Hello, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for coming on. I will just get you to introduce yourself and then we'll crack on with your story. Yeah, so my name's Shona. I'm 31 years old. I live out in Woodford. Which I didn't know until we... So we're recording this at the Springfield Library. How far is Woodford from here? It's about an hour and 20. Fuck me! I felt so bad. Shona's been really good. I've been like, don't stress about it. But I did not realise it was that far. Honestly, I'm not going to say no to The Quiet Time and my choice of music or podcast to listen to. So yeah, because my children are quite young. Yeah. so yeah I have my daughter Emerson she's four and my son Camden is about 16 months I'd say yeah so they're just little squishy delicious little things at the moment awesome and then my husband Evan we've been married for six years and been together for 15 so when I was from when I was a kid I just always wanted to be a stay-at-home mum I've never wanted any career any job I just wanted to be mummy at home so when we were trying to get pregnant and it took a year to get pregnant so what just what appealed to you about that um i just wanted I just, it just sounded like the perfect thing to do. I mean, I just wanted to be that mum that was at home and baking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cleaning. And don't bake. Oh, good, good. And don't box teach. Only sometimes. But I just wanted to be that mum that was just at home and baking. And I just had this image in my head of like this white picket fence. Yeah, yeah. You know, two kids or three kids or whatever. Yeah. Just that picture perfect like snapshot. Snapshot, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And just always wanted to do that. And I don't know why. I don't know where that came from. But it just was always so perfect to me. Was your mum a stay-at-home mum? She wanted to be. She wasn't able to. Yep, yep. But she would speak about how much she wished that she had been able to stay at home with her kids and all that. But so I feel really lucky that I can do it because it seems like such a luxury. Yeah. Now to be able to do it. Especially with the cost of living. Yeah, it's so expensive just to be alive. Yeah. the moment so I think the pressure that's put on women as well to work to be a stay-at-home mom to run their household and things yeah like the mental load yeah like everything's just it's all it feels like it's all on us but so I just always had that picture in my mind yes this will be perfect this is what I want it to be so we started um trying for Emerson Emmy yep um so it took us a year to get pregnant with her and it was the it was the um to Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I might as well have not done any of that research. Yeah, okay. And my mindset for labor with Emmy was I just want the epidural and I'm just going to lay there and read a book and then she'll come out. I love that. I love that. Oh, really? Do you know what? I packed my laptop because I had expected to be able to watch some TV in between contractions. I had the iPad because I was like, this is like, I'm not going to feel it. I understand. It doesn't have to be painful, Jess. yeah and so i got in there and they and first of all having contractions in the car and i have a video of me at home having a contraction and my shoulders are all bunched up and i'm just so fighting it yeah and because i just was like what's going on this is i don't do this anymore like it's too late for that like we're doing yeah that's it is i don't want to do it so tensed up yeah and then getting into the hospital um got on the gas which i loved um Do you have experience with the gas? I had the gas with my second, not with my first. Did you like it? Yeah, it made a hell of a lot of a difference. I wanted to take the tank home. I was being stitched up afterwards and just sucking on the mask and the nurse was like, take a break. And I'm like, no. I was just up in the clouds. I just loved it so much. I had the giggles. And then they said, okay, so you do want an epidural, don't you? And I said, yeah, I do. Not just yet. I'm okay at the moment. Got my gas. Yeah. And they said, well, the person that does the epidural is next door if you want it get it now otherwise you'll be waiting hours so i did sort of feel like i was pushed a little bit push scared scared into it and so i went oh okay well i don't want to wait hours i'm already sort of freaking out so i'll have it now so i had it really early earlier than i wanted yeah okay and from that point you know you're just bed bound yeah so i wasn't helping my body get push her down or anything like that yeah um and looking back on that now i do think i'll definitely was sort of pushed into it because once i had the epidural there were no midwives coming into the room anymore they were able to keep an eye on me from out there like i was just in the bed they didn't they were like okay we can focus on someone else who's yeah yeah you know birthing a different way or whatever um so did that m actually ended up getting stuck in the uh coming down so instead of her head being like chin down she was sort of to the side a bit yeah came out with her forehead instead of the crown yeah well I think yeah so she was here but not where she was supposed to be and it was like that for quite a while and I think that was because of having that early epidural like I wasn't able to help myself do anything and also at that time my mindset was epidural get the baby out I don't care what happens just get it out I ended up having after 23 and a half hours an emergency c-section so to go through a day of like bar and then a c-section i had a two and a half liter blood loss jesus so m was stuck for a while um the doctor came in and said look she's stuck this way do you want to try pushing and i said yes so let's try pushing so i had three really big pushes um the first one i probably doesn't count because i pushed out of my vagina um can i say that yeah yeah yeah pushed out of my vagina and she was like nope push out of your bum like you're doing a poo and i just remember thinking that's not where the baby comes yeah so i did the two big pushes and just i remember that sensation of feeling like you need to do a massive yeah yeah yeah so i remember that push that bearing down and so i was pushing and i was on my back pushing as well which looking back now like that's just making it harder and i didn't know any of this stuff at the time and they didn't say anything how old were you when you had your daughter i was 26 yeah yeah yeah yeah or 25 turning 26 a year um so did that nothing happened they said look we think it needs to be a c-section and i just was like oh my god i had never considered a c-section in the courses we did when they spoke about c-sections i tuned out because i was like that's not me yeah no don't need to know that's not going to happen yeah and then next minute i'm being wheeled down for c-section i've got a midwife next to be getting colostrum out for me and that hurts because i haven't had that done before so she's i didn't know they did that yeah she's just in there getting pulling colostrum out we're going down the hall getting scrubbed up and I was just terrified I was like what the hell is happening got in there and it wasn't it was an emergency but it wasn't like a code one or whatever the highest code is it was an emergency that it had to be done within four hours so it wasn't It wasn't a full-on emergency. It took a long time to be waiting though. Yeah, but four hours of that pushing pain. I thought my ass was going to explode. And I remember being wheeled down there and I was lifting my bum off the bed and I was going, I need to push. And they were saying, don't push, don't push. And I was like, what do you mean don't push? My ass is about to explode all over the hallway. And anyway, so I got down there, got the C-section, had the big blood loss. I had M placed next to my head for what felt like a few seconds then she was gone i was wheeled into recovery they actually separated em and like emerson and evan the nurses took them up to the ward from you they separated yeah yeah so i was by myself in recovery for i think two hours or three hours two or three hours because i'd had such a big blood loss i didn't know at the time that i could advocate for myself and say do not take my baby from me so i had no skin to skin i wasn't breastfeeding her and evan said later that they put him in a room up on the ward and just left him. And Emerson was screaming, starving. And Evan was like, they told me Shona was going to be right back. She's not here. This kid's screaming. What do I do? And I actually don't know if they gave the colostrum that they'd gotten from me. So by the time I actually got to hold her for the first time, she was like three hours old. And I think that really kick-started the trauma and the not bonding because i think it was like 18 months before i was fully bonded obsessed with her so it was such a long time and they sent us home from the hospital i think you stay the two or three nights like you're supposed to and they sent us home they checked my bloods they were like yeah you're all good like your bloods are low hemoglobin whatever it is that they check they're low but they're okay so you can go home they didn't know i was prone to anemia neither did i so we go home i think it was literally the next afternoon my legs just blew up out of nowhere really swollen and i started panicking i was already overwhelmed in pain i was upset because i really don't feel like i got the birth that i deserved so i was really just it was a really bad start to this thing that i always just wanted to do there was no other option i wanted to be mummy at home yeah so we ended up going to the hospital to the emergency room and i remember actually no we went to the doctor first and i walked in and she's the first thing she said when i sat down she goes why are you so pale yeah and i just burst into tears and i was like i've had a 23 and a half hour labor c-section um i lost a lot of blood like i just don't feel good my legs are swollen and so they were like you just need to go to the hospital so we went to the hospital um got into a emergency and I remember I was just crying to the intake nurse and I was just rambling to her and I was just saying my legs are swollen I don't feel good um I'm pale and I'm not bonding with my baby and I remember they just were like but you're holding your baby like you're okay you're bonding and I was like no I'm not like I don't what is this thing I don't want it sort of thing they got us back into hospital checked my blood and they went oh you need two bags of blood so So I'd have two bags of blood. At that point, I just felt like it was one thing after another. So at that point, sitting in emergency, in a bay, an emergency, I wasn't up in water or whatever. I was just in a bay getting these blood transfusions. I had to stay in overnight so they could get the blood through because it was two bags. It was a lot of blood. And I remember thinking, I am going to die. Not, I'm scared I'm going to die. I was past that. i was at the point where i was like i know i'm gonna die from this and evan was there with me and his mum and i remember looking at them thinking they'll have to take care of the baby with my mum they'll be fine she won't remember me emmy won't remember me so she'll be fine evan will just have to deal with it because i'm not coming home from the hospital i was that sure that i was gonna die i just i was just so mentally not prepared but just accepting yeah like this is it and so we up to um ward and they had me up in gen pop and i was saying to them i want to go up to the maternity ward like my baby's two days old three days old whatever the three days old i think and they were like no you're staying here and i ended up getting in this argument with the bloody nurse and i was like no you don't understand i've just got a brand new baby i don't want to be down here with all the sickies and whoever i want to be up in maternity ward and they kept saying no and i ended up getting um the social worker that i'd met in the like when you're pregnant you go through that you get like the social worker to if you need them I ended up calling her and she came in lit a fire under everyone's ass on wood and said get her up to maternity now that's disgusting it was so bad and so that took that by the time I got up there the nurse midwives up there were like we thought you were coming up hours ago so no one had communicated with each other did they tell you why they weren't going to send you up there they just were like it's not necessary she said you don't need to go That makes no sense, though. You've got a tiny little baby. I know, and she pretty much was like, you're not taking up a bed up there when you can have this one here. And I just was like, you've got to get me up there, girlfriend. And so lucky Liz, who was the social worker, came in. She was able to advocate for me, get me up there. Yeah, good. Em had really bad jaundice as well, which I'm not sure what caused that. I can't remember. Sometimes they're born with it. Yeah, in the hospital that I was at, there was a lot of conflicting advice so with the jaundice one midwife would come in and say oh do you want just pop her next to the window like the sunlight's really good for the jaundice and I was like yeah yeah right so I do that 20 minutes later another midwife comes in what are you doing she doesn't have sunscreen on she's gonna get sunburned move her away from the window and I've just gone oh my god someone just told me to put her next to the window like I'm still getting blood transfusion this whole time and that in itself is stressful because I have a needle phobia ah excellent excellent so that in itself was stressful but you know we did it we got through i didn't have much milk um which i think was because of the blood loss yeah um and stress and stress and oh my god and i think the blood loss can impact your milk supply so yeah and was mixed fed from like day three it was that second visit in the hospital overnight where the midwife said in the middle of the night do you want me to give her some formula and i said no at first it was like no she has to be breastfed this is what you do when you have a baby you breastfeed them yeah um and she just was like okay but if you want i can just try her with 30 mils and i said okay was she crying a lot at that point yeah she was really unsettled so the midwife gave her 30 mils of formula emerson just passed out yeah for three or four hours and evan and i were like oh formula we're gonna get some of that so she was always mixed fed from like three days old um like oh my god it was just strap it in she's got blood she's got yeah let's go home yeah so we got home um em was about a week old when i was sitting in bed in the middle of the night and she was crying and i remember saying to evan i'll just fucking feed it again just give it here talking about em like i was just so angry and exhausted and traumatized and in shock and trying to heal nothing left trying to heal couldn't move like with the c-section and i remember feet breastfeeding her and i remember i physically remember my blood going cold in my body and it was just panic what have i done i've made a huge mistake in having a baby yep in having a baby and i still remember that blood just going you know that panic you get where your blood just runs cold i remember that and i remember saying to evan i cannot keep doing this i need to go to the doctor so we went to the doctor Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah. But Evan's mum spent a lot of time. But I was just so... didn't want to be there. I remember being at the shop when Em was, I think, three weeks old. So you were already on the meds by this point? I'm on the meds by this point, yeah. Had they started to kick in or they were working already? They were working already. So I wasn't as bad, but I was still really bad. So I'm not sure what we should have done different looking back on that now. But we went up to the shops when she was about three weeks old. And by this point, I've been on the meds for about two weeks. And they're definitely working. And they're definitely working. And I ran into a co-worker who I worked with before I left to her bubba and she said oh how's it all going and I said if I knew it was going to be like this I wouldn't have done it and she just looked at me like oh really I don't know if she thought I was joking and in my head that's that's a perfectly reasonable answer yeah yeah and I really felt like that I just oh my god yeah yeah and when the midwife came to do like a home visit I remember sitting in bed waiting for her to come and I remember thinking okay she's going to notice how out of my depth i am she when she brings up anything to do with the hospital i'm going to ask her please take the baby i will surrender the baby back to the hospital i will sign whatever i need to sign we can just pretend none of this happened you take bubba back and you give her to a mother who deserves her can have her can look after her because i am not it that is so sad i'm so sorry you felt that way oh my god at the time that was like giving me goosebumps sorry yeah it makes me so sad to think about because and at the time that was perfectly reasonable yeah that was just how i felt i had no attachment to this baby it was like someone had dropped this baby off to be like haha figure this out you know you're never gonna sleep again here you go it just didn't feel like she was my baby yeah it's like a stranger's baby yeah and there would just be times where evan like he can only do so much and he did everything the middle of the night feeds he we would give her a bottle at night because the formula was thicker so it made her sleep better yep she had really bad reflux so anytime she was put down after a feed vomit everywhere so you got to change the bed the her clothes like you got to start all over again then she's hungry because she's vomited it all up and we never got that checked by the doctor we always just always just thought she'll grow out of it and she did at one but it was a year it was a year of that but i remember evan would um she'd wake up we would both get up from day dot with emerson and with camden we have always done every single thing together we did shifts for one night with camden and we both hated it yeah yeah we just wanted to be in each other's company we would watch tv in our room while we were dealing with him or whatever but with em we so she'd wake up I would be up I'd make the bottle I'd remake her bed get it all ready Evan would give her the bottle I would do anything to busy myself so I didn't have to deal with her specifically so I would make the bottle I would make the bed he would be giving her the bottle while he was giving her the bottle and settling her I would do housework I would fold washing I would unpack the dishwasher like just anything because I thought if I'm in that room and he says oh do you want to take over or can you take over no I'm not here for that yeah did you realize at the time that that's what you were doing not or were you like this is good for them to bond I'm gonna do this yeah no I think it was um I think I just knew like I don't want a part of this and I think Evan sort of knew that too but because he he can only do what he can do you know he doesn't really know what to do so he really took on everything that I guess traditionally yeah the mother would be doing yeah I know a lot of times the the mother is the one who gets up by herself at night and she breastfeeds and all that and it was just not like that with us because I just couldn't handle it I would actually go to the other end of the house and sit in the room down the other end of house and cry and he would come down and get me when Emerson was back to sleep and he would they say okay you can come back to bed now oh that's really sweet we did that for such a long time but she was a not too bad of a sleeper from about eight weeks she was sleeping you know sort of six hours yeah yeah at a time which was wonderful we didn't get that lucky with camden it was like 10 months till he slept properly so we just sort of you fall into your groove whatever evan's got to go back to work um i would just do i would go out and do things with her like we would go to rhymed time we'd go to the shops i didn't really want to sit around the house too much but there was no no feeling in it no joy in it it was just this is what you're supposed to do yeah and i just thought i'm gonna take this fucking thing with me to the shop so that's like the thought that lots of bumps in a completely different position than you were all right get in the car yeah i gotta pack this yeah like this fucking thing around because she can't stay home by herself um and i remember like this is jumping back a bit i'm sorry but when she was um nine days old she my nipples were bleeding from the breastfeeding it was so painful yeah and she had swallowed a lot of my blood and i didn't realize so she was vomiting pink and evan and i've gone yeah so we took her to the hospital in the middle of the night of course by the time we get there she's asleep she's settled she's fine but we thought we're here we'll just stay here yeah this was when she was nine days old and i remember sitting in the ward in emergency with her and she was crying in the bed and i remember sitting there thinking oh i'm gonna have to get up and comfort her because she's crying and i'm her mom i really don't want to so i had to get up yeah it's okay it's okay and i'm sort of looking over my shoulder like like is this fucking doctor coming or what like i don't want to be no it is funny to look back on it's just it's wild how out of out of it i was like not wanting to comfort your baby yeah i just was like shut up get the doctor in here like because they didn't want her to eat anything until they checked her out yeah yeah so i just was like oh my god she's hungry she's hungry she wants like she wants mama she just wants mama and i don't want and it's not her i don't want it's i don't want any kid on me i want to go home i want to go to bed i want to go back in time to where i slept good i had no problem sort of thing yeah yeah so anyway we sort of get through that and it was about 18 months till i fully became had that obsession with her and i was like oh this is really nice and i do remember one point she was about five weeks old and whenever she would go to sleep i would always put her down straight away during the day because evan sort of handled the overnight stuff i would always put her down straight away i was just like i'm not holding and you just yeah you're asleep get get over there sort of thing and she was about five yeah she was about five weeks old and i went to put her down and then i for some reason i just went i actually might sit and hold you yeah and i remember sitting and i just remember crying because i was like i actually want to hold my baby oh and i never wanted to i never i just wanted to be away from her all the time and i just and that was only a one small moment so we sort of went back to regular programming after that of me not wanting that's still a big much to do and it was really and i and i really remember that like she's four now this is four years ago four and a half years ago and i really remember being like oh i actually would like you know i'd like to hold you and and you know like when babies sleep the first two weeks they don't realize they're awake they don't realize they're out so they sleep pretty good and then after two weeks you put them down they wake up and that always really frustrated me and i used to push back on that so much rather than just going with the flow and that was a real I had resentment towards her because of that because of everything she completely ruined my life essentially so I had a lot of resentment towards her but not I should make it clear not her just a baby it could have been any baby I just had resentment that this thing had come in and just completely ruined my life and there's no going back you know you've got to keep going forward with her and Did you have like at any point like a realization or did you understand that like it's not the situation, it's what's in your head or does that make sense? Yeah, it does. I don't think so though. I think I really believed that I'd made a mistake, that I wasn't cut out for this. I need to get out of here, you know, fight or flight mode. I didn't, I wasn't able, I didn't have the knowledge or the experience to be able to think, this is these are just thoughts yeah this is not real yeah i wasn't able to do that yeah i would put her on the floor to play with the gym thing over her and i would go and do something else like i obviously checking on her make sure she's all right like she wasn't neglected or anything but instead of interacting with her i would do that because i just thought you just do what you're doing i'm happy over here let's live our lives yeah yeah let's just live our separate lives sorry that just sounds so funny you do your girlfriend yeah you're fine yeah you've ruined my life so i don't want to be around you um but and just i just fought against everything like when she would go down for a nap in the day i wish that i had been able to just go it is what it is you know let's watch a bit of tv and i did eventually do that um but from six months to 18 months so a year a year i drove her to sleep during the day every single day for a year i would put her in the car at nap time go for for like a 20 minute drive, come back, carefully get her out of the car. I'd set up the lounge room before I left and I'd come back and I'd sit on the lounge, watch TV. And that was a good setup for us. It worked for us. It wasn't ideal. I didn't want to drive her to sleep, but that's where I really started to accept, you know, this is, and, and when we would have the midwife visit, she would say like, you know, you just put them down when they're drowsy. And I, so I've locked onto that and I'd put her down drowsy. She'd scream. I'd be like, this isn't fucking working. You just, yeah you told me to put it down when she was drowsy and she's not working look at her she's screaming yeah she's awake yeah and i would get so angry i just had so much anger yeah i was just angry at the world i was angry at everyone who like no why did no one say anything about this before i had the baby yeah everyone says oh you'll be really tired but you'll be okay and you know you won't even realize that you're so tired because it's just so nice and rewarding and i didn't feel any of that at all and i remember doing classes at the hospital during the pregnancy that my first pregnancy and they had a woman speaking about her postnatal depression and she said for the first six months of her baby's life she just was really depressed didn't want anything to do with the baby and i remember leaving that class and crying because i thought that poor woman yeah six months and i remember saying to evan i'm not worried about that happening to me that won't happen yeah because i've always wanted this yeah i 18 months sort of thing so it just fucking rolled me it's a long time as well a long time and then it's just through work and support that i was able to heal enough to want another baby yeah i did not want another baby until m was nearly two yeah like i would have rather died than yeah and i i just i had suicidal thoughts as well I didn't want to harm Em there was no harmful thoughts around her but I just did not want to be here anymore I would go to bed at night and I would think I hope I don't wake up tomorrow I just did not want to wake up I just felt like every day was just another mountain to climb before I could go back to bed there was no nothing to look forward to I just I just didn't want to suffer through another day i could not take i could not take another day that's really how i felt yeah and to have that for such a long time that that mindset you just think that's just how you are yeah so you're like i'm not fucking doing this again like i've learned my lesson yeah yeah and then for me once shame on you yeah call me twice shame on me yeah so i you know we just sort of she got to an age where she was a bit easier yeah And I thrive on routine. I think from childhood trauma as well because I grew up in a home where there was domestic violence, a lot of uncertainty, sort of walking on eggshells. And you don't realize, but you really bring that into your own motherhood journey. So there was a lot of... It's a foundation for mental health. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably just assume was, this is just my life. Yeah, and I've only realized this in the last year since I've had Camden but when i panic and i get into like that flight or fight mode it's because i feel stuck i'm not safe i need help i need to get out of here that goes back to a feeling of being a child and being in a situation where i felt like i wasn't safe yeah right so as a child i'm going i'm not safe here i need to get out of here yeah and that carries over and even like to this day i can have a hard day with the kids and my brain instantly goes you're not safe you need to get out of here everything's falling apart and i just start catastrophizing oh wow and i still to this day do it but i have the tools now to say stop yeah you are safe you're at home the kids are both safe it is a hard day what can we do to make it easier yeah rather than just into a full-blown panic yeah um so something i have learned through therapy and i'm still learning is that it's possible for two things to exist at the same time so you can i until i'd had kids i'd never had someone in my life that i loved so much but that i was so angry with at the same time because they're such conflicting opposing things and through therapy i've been able to start to learn that that's actually okay because that's something in my head was something to be ashamed of because you know you've got this beautiful baby how can you be angry with it like are you gonna to hurt your baby or something and it's no not at all of course not but so you recognize that you loved her the whole time yeah I did it was just I loved her and but i was like but i'm angry so i can't maybe i don't love her yeah yeah you know whereas now there's days of course there's days every day that's a part of every day where it's like i love you but fuck you better you better back up yeah yeah yeah a four-year-old as well like stand down yeah yeah i have definitely whipped out i'm bigger than you i am meaner than you don't you fucking try me today i literally sometimes with em i'll be like you want to fucking go outside we need talk about this yeah and she's just next level sass as well so gets it from me but yeah just those two things can exist together and that's something that I think women like we get really ashamed of that not everything is black and white yeah and we get really ashamed to say you know I hate this yeah I you know what I hate when Evan's home I get him to change Camden's nappies because I don't want to Camden wriggles and he tries to get away and he thinks it's funny and like that's fucking annoying i don't want to do that i think it's i think that's what mummies don't feel safe enough to share those parts of um being able to just out come out and say i actually fucking hate this right now like obviously i love my kids but i hate fucking doing everything for them yeah yeah i hate doing everything for my kids yeah there's just so many things and i that's i really just want like i still don't feel a hundred percent safe saying those sort of things but i'm pretty open and i'm pretty just you know sort of thing and that's probably one thing i think as mums in society we aren't given that safe space because i don't think things will ever change and become safe if we don't express things yeah exactly so taking the first step yeah and because i feel like mothers they feel like they be they're going to be judged if they say look i really hate this so instead they'll say oh this is challenging but it's really rewarding um And that's where we've got to work on, isn't it? You can hate what you're doing, but you can love your kids and then you can love... doing the nappies or you know whatever it is like getting up i know i've seen things on instagram where it's like it's just a joy to get up in the night to my kids and know that i needed and i'm like you're fucking kidding me like i used to think to myself when my girls were little at least you're not dead yeah and i would think that too i would think that too but you can only think that for so long yeah when they're getting up consistently every night you're like what is going on yeah yeah but yeah Awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story. It's been lovely to hear your perspective. And I know that so many women are going to get so much out of this. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. I hope I didn't say anything too scary or ramble or anything like that. But I know, I think there would be so many women out there that might hear even just a little part and go, Oh my God, me too. And cause I feel like that when I hear someone else's story, I think, Oh, it's not just me. So, but yeah, thank you so much for having me.