My mother. My abuser.

TRIGGER WARNING: Parental abuse; physical, sexual and mental. Parental and family bystanding. If you find any of these things triggering please do not listen to this episode. 

If you're a mother, grandmother, step mother or anything alike, this episode will have you asking, how?

How could a mother..?

Join Brittni as she shares her life growing up with a mother who was her abuser. 

While her story has a sad start, the love and joy she experiences now gives hope to all women who feel like they might not make it through the next day.

Thank you for sharing your story. 

Don't forget to hit follow.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome to the Uncommon Expose, where I want to change your life by sharing someone else's. If you've got an open mind, then please join me and my guests as we share their incredible, inspiring, true stories. Hello and welcome to my podcast. Thank you so much for reaching out to share your story. I get a lot of questions. Oh, how do you find guests to come on? And sometimes it's organic and then sometimes I put a bit of an ad out and you responded to my ad. So thank you. You're welcome. I'm very excited. So when we get started, I'll just get you to introduce yourself and then we will crack on with your story.

SPEAKER_02: 0:45

Well, I'm Brittany and I'm 36 years old. I have a wonderful husband who I've been with for eight years. and a beautiful two-year-old boy who is my world.

SPEAKER_00: 0:57

Yes, I think that he's a big part of your life now, isn't he? Absolutely. After everything that's happened so far. It's a fresh

SPEAKER_02: 1:05

start.

SPEAKER_00: 1:05

Yeah, yeah, that's a perfect way to put it. Alrighty, so let's share about what your story will be about and then we'll move on into it.

SPEAKER_02: 1:12

I'll be talking about family abuse, particularly from my mother, who was the sole culprit, so to speak.

SPEAKER_00: 1:19

Yeah, alright, well then let's go.

SPEAKER_02: 1:22

Where do I start? I guess I'll just go with little memories. I don't remember much of my younger childhood. I remember bits and pieces as memories that my mother has told me. She told me that when I was in prep or preschool that she had to pull me out because no one wanted to be my friend. I have been unlikable since I was a very little child. I had... Birthday parties where they only went because of the cake or the presents or the clown that was there. I know it was very...

SPEAKER_00: 2:02

Your birthday party, people only came to your birthday parties for that?

SPEAKER_02: 2:06

Yes, not for me. Yeah, okay. And gosh, I was only, I think I was only six or seven. Oh, wow. Yeah, looking back in photos. Yeah. So I definitely know it started young. Yeah. And I know I was spoiled until my brother came along and he's five years younger than me I don't know if it changed then and then I suppose it all spirals out of control when I moved to Harvey Bay and that was 25 years ago and we had a very strange relationship it was more of a best friend relationship and as

SPEAKER_00: 2:49

I got older 12 12 okay yeah And when you say you moved to Harvey Bay, did you move independently or did your whole family relocate? Whole

SPEAKER_02: 2:57

family. Yeah. And at the time, mum and dad were still together. And as I got older, I very quickly moved into a husband and wife type relationship.

SPEAKER_00: 3:12

You and your mum? Yes. Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_02: 3:14

I was part of raising the girls, my sisters. I still call them girls. It's hard. Yeah, okay. And that's when I remember starting the physical abuse of my brother.

SPEAKER_00: 3:28

He would abuse you? Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 3:32

So I still got fear from him. Yeah. He would punch me in the breast. He'd kick me in private parts. All I could do when he had his rages was just get on my back and like a cockroach and just kick and do whatever I can to keep him off me. And I was the only one targeted by him. I don't know why. He was always very close to my mother. But mum and I were like a pendulum. We'd have our amazing weeks where I didn't see it as inappropriate we were always holding hands like a partner would um she always kissed me on the lips um i was raised to she was always topless in the house yeah so she'd just been undies and topless i was raised like that as well and so were my sisters yeah so there'd be three of us girls in the lounge room or sitting on the couch no Yeah. And I defended this behavior to my husband when I first met him. Like, I was proud that we were such an open family. Yeah. But there's a difference. Yeah. Like, reflecting back. And as I've stepped away from the situation, I realized that it's not okay. Yeah. And I remember, you know, you're treading on glass with mum. And you could never speak about our private life when she was out in public everyone thought she was wonderful everyone kept telling me you got such a wonderful mum take care of her and it makes you question your thoughts and maybe I'm not going through this maybe she didn't just held me up by the chin against the front door like maybe I'm not the one in the kitchen getting belted across my face and I'd have red handprints on my cheek and I'd just cry And she'd come in and she'd go to whack me and say, look at you being afraid of your own mother.

SPEAKER_00: 6:02

How was she different outside? Obviously, I'm going to assume no physical abuse, but really affectionate and kind.

SPEAKER_02: 6:10

On the good weeks,

SPEAKER_00: 6:12

it was. When you were out of the house?

SPEAKER_02: 6:13

No, no. I would be in the house. Okay. So one minute I was her, I suppose, female version of a husband where we were raising the girls together we were holding hands we shared the same bed for as long as I could remember and she'd want me to spoon with her and we were both topless it's hard for me to say because I feel so embarrassed like why didn't I like I was 16 I was 18 I was in my late 20s like this was all happening before I met my husband

SPEAKER_00: 6:45

this is a conversation I've had at another time when a parent or an authority figure is telling you these things are okay your your brain as a child is wired to just unconditionally love trust and accept that they're going to do the best things for you so it's never the person's fault it's the environment i'm sure you know that now as an adult and i don't think you should feel embarrassed i

SPEAKER_02: 7:09

think you just take that embarrassment with you and yeah i know it'll eventually go yeah the more you talk about it the better it

SPEAKER_01: 7:16

becomes absolutely

SPEAKER_02: 7:18

um and then there was the critical there's so many aspects to this there was a time where my girl started the girl started my girls sorry um

SPEAKER_00: 7:33

how old are your sisters uh well how what's the age difference i should say

SPEAKER_02: 7:39

um five being um i'm so sorry i just had a blank so i've got my brother who's five years younger than me and then i've got my sister who's five years younger than my brother and then the other one's five years younger than that

SPEAKER_00: 7:55

okay so you were 20 when your younger sister was born yeah yeah yeah so and then you were raising the girls with your mum yeah

SPEAKER_02: 8:02

yeah um and then I remember having a shower and the girls would come in and mum would come in and they'd all just laugh at me just because I was naked in the shower

SPEAKER_00: 8:18

oh my god

SPEAKER_02: 8:19

yeah there's so much ridicule yeah some much ridicule about um like about my serial light or about what I was wearing or anything like that

SPEAKER_00: 8:32

wow and you just didn't experience that

SPEAKER_02: 8:35

no one experienced anything except for me oh my god the youngest one did in a way that was same but different so she was like the replacement for me but in a in a in a, I suppose, a nicer way, or a less violent way. As far as I know, she's still with mum, and they're very much a mother-daughter duo. There was a scenario where my youngest one, so she was only like 18, 19, she had a boyfriend and mum decided that she'd take on that boyfriend while the little one was asleep on the couch and she went downstairs, had a rendezvous while my dad was on the couch, while my sister was on the couch, while I was on the couch They went downstairs.

SPEAKER_00: 9:39

How old was this

SPEAKER_02: 9:40

boy? He was, would have been 18, 19. So legal,

SPEAKER_00: 9:46

just. And

SPEAKER_02: 9:47

then came upstairs, told me about it. I was so excited to tell me about it. And then they moved to Brisbane.

SPEAKER_00: 9:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 9:56

They all did move to Brisbane. Eventually dad did. And then she came back up like six months, 12 months later to meet up with him.

SPEAKER_00: 10:06

Oh my God. So So you stayed?

SPEAKER_02: 10:08

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 10:08

You didn't move to Brisbane with them? No. So what prompted you to stay?

SPEAKER_02: 10:13

Oh, because I found my husband.

SPEAKER_00: 10:14

Yeah, okay. He

SPEAKER_02: 10:15

rescued me, basically. How did you meet

SPEAKER_00: 10:17

him?

SPEAKER_02: 10:19

Through work. Okay. And at the start, mum really liked him.

SPEAKER_00: 10:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 10:24

And then she tried to hug him. Yeah. While I was not around. And he...

SPEAKER_00: 10:34

Oh, good on

SPEAKER_02: 10:36

him. Yeah. knew virtually from the start that she was a bad seed. He could see it. I told him, when I met him, I wanted him to know all the bad about me, not bad, all the baggage I come with, emotional, physical. So he knew within the first couple of dates what he was walking into. At

SPEAKER_00: 10:59

what point did you start to think, because you've just said that you had baggage, at what point did you start to think, like this isn't not a normal dynamic within a family or until you met him and he started to explain things to you did you just assume it was you I

SPEAKER_02: 11:19

tried to escape a couple times

SPEAKER_00: 11:21

oh from your mother yeah yeah okay

SPEAKER_02: 11:23

um I had friends that would point out stuff but I was still so in defense of my

SPEAKER_00: 11:30

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 11:31

um relationship with my mother I wasn't quite there

SPEAKER_00: 11:34

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 11:35

um so I've had friends with doors slammed in their face and I turned a lot to drugs and alcohol and I was out like Thursday, Friday, Saturday night and the oh my gosh I tried to I was doing strip dancing and I turned

SPEAKER_00: 12:03

for finances

SPEAKER_02: 12:06

that as well because Because mother had me paying$350 a week and I was casual and in high school.

SPEAKER_00: 12:16

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02: 12:17

All my money went to her.

SPEAKER_00: 12:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 12:20

And I also had to pay groceries every second week. I had to pay half the electricity. I paid a lot of money. And... Yeah, so I went to Gold Coast, lasted two weeks there before she just... She had a way of just, like, wooing me back in. Yeah, I get it. Like a husband who says he'll never do it again. She was exactly like that. I'd hear it. You know, I'm so sorry, Bea, I'll never do it again. And you just believe.

SPEAKER_00: 12:52

Yeah, because you want it to be true, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 12:55

And everything was my fault, so... When she got so angry and that she would hit me in the face, it was, you know you shouldn't say stuff like that. Yeah, right. So much. Everything that she did wrong, it was my fault. When my brother would hit me, you know you shouldn't poke his buttons. That's what you get.

SPEAKER_00: 13:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 13:24

I wasn't allowed to call the cops. So many times I was terrified and crying and I thought I was going to die. Yeah. And no, I'm not allowed to call the cops. You'll just bring disgrace to this family. Look what you've already done to this family.

SPEAKER_00: 13:37

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Was she ever diagnosed with anything?

SPEAKER_02: 13:42

No, she'd never, ever. I've suggested it. Yeah. And Never. I'm not a loony. I don't need a quack. That was her words.

SPEAKER_00: 13:51

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02: 13:52

She did have, from what she's told me, she had an abusive mother and father. But when she's been such a pathological liar, I don't know what to believe and don't know what to believe. But there were times... So her and dad are separated. They've been separated, gosh, for about... It'd be almost 20 years. Yeah. They've always lived together.

SPEAKER_00: 14:21

Even now? Yep. Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_02: 14:23

Money.

SPEAKER_00: 14:23

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02: 14:24

He would do anything for her. Yeah. And she had multiple boyfriends. He'd see it all. He just didn't care. But I would hear about every sexual experience.

SPEAKER_00: 14:39

From her?

SPEAKER_02: 14:40

Yep. I heard about the first time she did anal. Oh, my God. I heard about everything. Everything. and I'm a teenager I'm a young adult I shouldn't be hearing this stuff I remember living in New South Wales and she'd hear about she'd tell me how cute the postie was I'm only like 10 I shouldn't be hearing I shouldn't be listening to my mother tell me how cute she was still with dad as far as I know

SPEAKER_00: 15:12

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 15:15

yeah There's

SPEAKER_00: 15:17

a lot to unpack. It's okay. Yeah, I'm so sorry that you experienced it. As a mother, and I'm sure that you feel the same way, like the babies, their children, but from that moment of birth, from conception really, like you just want to protect them and take care of them and make sure that nothing ever happens to them. I find it really just sad that you didn't have that experience. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02: 15:42

That's okay. I think I never felt so unlucky. loved until I had him. Yeah. Because I just don't know how you could hurt someone you love so much. I know.

SPEAKER_00: 15:56

Sorry. No, no, it's fine.

SPEAKER_02: 15:59

Just, the worst thing is I only stopped speaking to her about, what is it, he's two years old, it'll be almost four years that I decided to not respond. Yeah. I just think, silly woman.

SPEAKER_00: 16:14

You or her?

SPEAKER_02: 16:16

Me. for taking so long too and my husband is so supportive he said if you wanted to talk to her now if you wanted her back in your life I'd support you yeah oh what a good man he'd do anything

SPEAKER_00: 16:29

what a

SPEAKER_02: 16:29

good man yeah I swear I'd be dead if it wasn't for him

SPEAKER_00: 16:33

yeah so when you met him did he just basically open his heart for you and just accepted everything accepted her

SPEAKER_02: 16:44

accepted me yeah I I suffer from seizures okay yeah um and it was like the second night we were on I was so scared to go home every time I was out I was terrified to go back home to your mother yeah and he said as I lose memory leading up to it and he said you were terrified to go back home and you had a seizure in the truck and he called her oh no he got me out of the truck and carried me to the front doorstep and said your daughter had a seizure or just put her down I'll take her to the hospital and he's like oh you know he's she said I'll just bring her inside he said your daughter's had a seizure she needs to go to the hospital I'll just drive her then and yeah he regrets not just driving me straight to he thought he'd do the right thing

SPEAKER_00: 17:37

and yeah

SPEAKER_02: 17:42

and then like we were talking about it the other night and he said that night he was finally let into the hospital room and he came in and my gown or whatever was wide open breast out and my dad was just sitting there it's like every time we reanalyze a memory i guess then you kind of go what else is my brain hiding yeah what else is it in defense of i guess

SPEAKER_00: 18:12

you would know this is something that i only learned recently um memory loss and then ongoing inability to retain memories is from trauma is a big sign of trauma and you would know that i only learned that recently

SPEAKER_02: 18:25

i know my brain is defending i suppose my sanity protecting

SPEAKER_00: 18:31

me yeah of course of course so when you met your husband and he was just open for you and everything that you needed did that start a healing process for you or when did that

SPEAKER_02: 18:45

it gave me a bravery

SPEAKER_00: 18:47

yeah okay

SPEAKER_02: 18:47

yeah it gave me the strength to stand up because i knew if i stood up against mum i'd have someone to fall back onto yeah um there were so many times i had clothes just thrown out on the front lawn and she kicked me out

SPEAKER_00: 19:04

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 19:05

and then um he just gave me the strength yeah he says he does nothing

SPEAKER_00: 19:13

sometimes that's all you need though isn't it yeah just

SPEAKER_02: 19:16

Just courage.

SPEAKER_00: 19:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 19:18

And I knew even if we didn't end up together that he would have been there as a friend to support me. I've never had anyone like him.

SPEAKER_00: 19:30

That makes my heart beat. That's so beautiful that you found someone who's just so in love with you afterwards. What a sad childhood. Are you still in touch with your siblings, your brother and your sisters at all?

SPEAKER_02: 19:43

No, because... They see that I've hurt mum. Yeah, okay. So they refuse to... I was in contact with dad for a little bit when he was up in Harvey Bay still. He hadn't gone to Brisbane yet. And then mother found out and then she conned him to go into Brisbane with her. And then he'd call me like a secret lover when she was at work and he'd be whispering phone calls or whatever and then it all just stopped. and then I went well you're just as bad as her you've seen you've borne bad witness to everything yeah that when I was with my husband to begin with Tim is his name when I was first with him I would have been only a couple weeks into it I was sitting at the dining room table and my brother was here I was there and also I'm in the middle of my brother and my father no sorry my dad's in the middle i'm so sorry my dad's in the middle i'm on the left and my brother's on the right and he reached over and punched me reached over my father and punched me and my dad did nothing no one did anything

SPEAKER_00: 20:59

do you remember what triggered your brother to put not that i'm saying that you're at fault but was he just sitting there and spontaneously to decide it to you it would have been something conversation

SPEAKER_02: 21:08

yeah it would have been a conversation and i would have said something to trigger him

SPEAKER_00: 21:12

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 21:14

um not that that is It's never justified. Yeah. Yeah. But there would have been something. Yeah. God knows. Yeah. But I remember Tim only told me a year ago that he said after that incident, he paid him a visit and said, you never touch her again. Yeah. And no one's ever stood up to my brother.

SPEAKER_00: 21:35

Oh, man. Oh, that's so good. I know.

SPEAKER_02: 21:37

And that helped get rid of the fear too. Moving to here, they're only 10 minutes away from me. They live here.

SPEAKER_01: 21:44

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02: 21:45

And I was so scared of running into him. Like, what if I see him and he sees me and my boy? Like, what if he takes my baby away? What if mum takes my baby away? She always said that if I ever had a child, it'd be hers because I'm not fit to be a mother. Oh, my God. Yeah, so I was terrified.

SPEAKER_00: 22:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 22:08

And

SPEAKER_00: 22:09

that foundational belief is something you kind of live with forever, subconsciously, I guess.

SPEAKER_02: 22:15

Yeah. But every day gets stronger.

SPEAKER_00: 22:18

Yeah. I'd love to know what type of mother do you think that you are now for your son?

SPEAKER_02: 22:25

an unconditional loving mother. And I'm silly. I'm a big child at heart. I'm the dad of the family so I sing and dance and he's always laughing. He's the happiest child I've ever met. And It's all about breaking the chain. Yeah. And the biggest thing for me is I want him to know that there's no conditions to my love, that I don't care what he does, I'll always be there for him.

SPEAKER_00: 22:55

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I want

SPEAKER_02: 22:59

from you. Yeah. I shouldn't have... He shouldn't have to... By my love. Yeah. Every Christmas, every birthday, it was a competition to make sure that you had the best presents. Yeah, okay. God forbid you made something or you only bought a gift voucher or something. Yeah. Or you knew you were dead that day.

SPEAKER_01: 23:19

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02: 23:20

Yeah. It was all about fanning her with the biggest gifts. Mm-hmm. And that, like, oh. I'll be there for him no matter what. I have really bad crooked teeth, young, and I had it until I met Tim. For me, my teeth were horrendous. I got bullied massively for it. I had a lady at a checkout that I was working at give me$50 to go towards my spa because it was horrendous. To me, it was

SPEAKER_00: 23:52

horrendous. Did you feel that gesture was a nice thing or was that a little bit insulting? I was like, you're just as bad as my mother. Yeah. I was heartbroken.$50 is not going to go far. No.

SPEAKER_02: 24:04

I was heartbroken. Yeah. And mum offered... offered braces she reminded me I swear on a monthly basis she offered me braces I think she won a lot or something and she said oh like you either get braces or you don't this is your one opportunity and I would have been only 11 12 and I think I turned them down I can't remember why I think she put the fear in me that my side profile was going to change and so I didn't get braces but my sister did and every time I said well we could do a payment plan or anything and I never had money but she took all my money and she always rubbed it in you've had an opportunity to have braces I heard that so often so Tim got me braces even though he didn't he loved my teeth but he knew how much it destroyed me

SPEAKER_00: 25:03

I can tell from like the second you walked in the smilings obviously your teeth had of like had a huge confidence boost

SPEAKER_02: 25:10

the worst thing is i've always been a smiley person it was just covered

SPEAKER_00: 25:14

oh okay then with your hand yeah so i'd

SPEAKER_02: 25:16

smile like that silly ad on tv there used to be ad on tv where why are you always covering your mouth i hated that ad but that was me that was a silly dental ad

SPEAKER_01: 25:26

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 25:27

so yeah i would always be smiling but always had hand over mouth

SPEAKER_00: 25:31

yeah so it's like you had happiness in you then and which might be where your son's gotten some of his joy i've always

SPEAKER_02: 25:38

been

SPEAKER_00: 25:38

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 25:39

it's the only way I've coped

SPEAKER_00: 25:40

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 25:41

it was my defense I guess to brighten the world as much as possible and laugh I've always laughed

SPEAKER_00: 25:48

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 25:49

I think if I hadn't laughed I think I would be dead by now yeah to be blunt I guess

SPEAKER_00: 25:54

yeah have you seen a therapist

SPEAKER_02: 25:57

yes

SPEAKER_00: 25:57

and that did that make a difference or I found with having my girls this isn't about me but I've seen therapists and they've made a difference but having my children were the greatest cut for healing and change and growth within me. Yeah, absolutely. Is that how you felt?

SPEAKER_02: 26:13

I have seen a couple of therapists. I think... not to sound up myself or anything I think me constantly digging into my past and talking with Tim and the further along I get the more I stop communicating with mother I found myself again I didn't know who I was I was mum's creation and I think that was the biggest therapy over anything I think I think they probably gave me some tools I've got PTSD I've got anxiety I had depression at one point. But I think just being able to communicate all my demons with my husband and discovering who I am, I think that was the biggest thing for me. The more you break away, the more you see scenarios and past memories completely different. And it's like watching a movie of yourself that you don't recognize. That's the best way I can describe it. yeah just having someone to talk to I've never had someone like him to talk yeah Yeah, I feel like everyone needs a

SPEAKER_00: 27:45

Tim Oh, it sounds like you've really kind of changed your life. Yeah. From your youth to when the person that you are now.

SPEAKER_02: 28:09

Absolutely. Yeah. Like Tim met me at 27 or 28. And he said that the person then is so different to the person now. He said, I've got to fall in love with all these different stages of Brittany life.

SPEAKER_00: 28:25

That's so

SPEAKER_02: 28:26

beautiful. Yeah, I look back and... and obviously you know nothing's easy in life our relationship had its up and downs especially when i was transitioning mum would as it's a tug of rope the mum would pull back a little bit and i'd fall back into her trap again and then back but tim was the solid ground

SPEAKER_00: 28:45

did you at any point have any resentment for him because i know you said with your friends because you were quite protective and defensive of your mother that you wouldn't i'm not sure if you would push them away but did you find that with tim as well or did he just open and so you just accepted

SPEAKER_02: 29:01

yeah he he had no opinion so to speak he did but he didn't he just let me if I wanted to feel great about her that day he'd just be there like he never pushed me one way or the other he never said that that's wrong or like he would but he'd keep an open mind about it so he'd think to me I think you walking around in your undies and no bra on as a father I couldn't not handle that

SPEAKER_01: 29:29

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 29:31

um and i think once you're a certain age it shouldn't happen so he'd give me his opinion instead of just saying that's wrong yeah and then i take a step back yeah yeah i think that's the biggest difference

SPEAKER_00: 29:45

yeah that's a really good like open communication isn't it not forcing his opinions on you yeah they're giving you a a safe place to come to a conclusion yourself

SPEAKER_02: 29:55

yeah that's the best way to describe it

SPEAKER_00: 29:57

yeah yeah yeah i Oh, that's so amazing. So if you could go back and give little you some advice, or do you feel like you had to go through everything to be where you are now?

SPEAKER_02: 30:14

I feel like I had to go through everything. Yeah. I think the biggest turning point for me was when I was 20, 25. so 12 years ago so i would have been 24 i had a big medical life a medical event in my life yeah and she abandoned me completely yeah and that was the biggest biggest turning point

SPEAKER_00: 30:44

yeah yeah brain tumor yeah yeah

SPEAKER_02: 30:48

yeah um and she refused to be there for me

SPEAKER_00: 30:50

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 30:51

i begged her every single day crying on the phone please be there for me they told me i might not wake up they told me that i could be disabled. They told me that I could be braindead. There was so many things. And she just refused to be there for me. I begged her. Every day I'd be begging on the phone crying because I wasn't living with her. But she gave me the ultimatum. You can either be with the friends that saved your life that night or you can be with me and no friends to support you. And I walked out of that cabin we were staying in at the time and I said, you're not giving me any more ultimatums. I'm staying with my friends. And because I made that choice, I deserve to be alone. She wouldn't have dad be involved no one and her reason was that my sister had a gymnastics competition and she couldn't make it

SPEAKER_00: 31:44

oh my god you just said that your friend saved your life that night is that related to the brain tumour yeah

SPEAKER_02: 31:50

I had a seizure so I suffer from full body tonic seizures thanks to the brain tumour and I was at a friend's place on New Year's Eve and I smacked my head on the cement floor I think I bounced off the bed and I almost bit my tongue off so they pried their thumb in and rolled me to the side and if it wasn't for them

SPEAKER_00: 32:15

yeah

SPEAKER_02: 32:16

yeah god knows

SPEAKER_00: 32:17

since having the tumor

SPEAKER_02: 32:20

you've had the tumor removed yes 99

SPEAKER_00: 32:23

or 97 okay amazing do you still have seizures yes

SPEAKER_02: 32:26

pregnancy was rough oh

SPEAKER_00: 32:27

of course

SPEAKER_02: 32:29

yeah I got to hold him in my arms and then I had a seizure. But I had seizures all through pregnancy. I had like six seizures. He's a tough little bugger.

SPEAKER_00: 32:40

Yeah. And that has no impact on the pregnancy?

SPEAKER_02: 32:43

No. I have, I suppose, my danger zone. So my time periods where I'm at higher risk. And I've just been lucky enough that Tim has cameras up when he's not home. So if I do have a seizure, he can see. I

SPEAKER_00: 33:00

loved him. I loved him. oh he sounds

SPEAKER_02: 33:07

wonderful I know and then I remember having a seizure like three months into not even three months it must have been three weeks into I know he was doing tummy time Walter is my son's name and he was doing tummy time and I remember just waking up to him doing tummy time and I was like trying to call Tim I had mess everywhere and I'm like I've had a seizure and I've neglected my son because he's doing tummy time oh no I think I had him on my lap and he rolled and must have done tummy time on his own he was in my lap but I knew to sit down on the floor

SPEAKER_00: 33:44

as

SPEAKER_02: 33:44

long as I'm on the floor I'm pretty safe but I've had some close calls like when I was pregnant I was working still and I was driving home on the highway and then 15 minutes later when I got home I had a seizure I swear someone's looking after me

SPEAKER_01: 34:00

yeah I was like yeah wow

SPEAKER_02: 34:05

yeah had some close calls like I've fallen down in the shower I remember saying this was when I was pregnant I remember saying to Tim I'll be out soon because he watches me when I shower um sounds so creepy

SPEAKER_00: 34:20

when I know Tim now

SPEAKER_02: 34:22

we have a relationship with Tim when I'm in the danger zone yeah yeah and I remember saying to him, I'm just about to hop out and he didn't hear the shower turn off. And he can hear, he's crazy, he can hear when I'm moving or when the shower's just running. And he ran in and it was just about to fall.

SPEAKER_01: 34:42

Oh, wow. Because I

SPEAKER_02: 34:43

think there's a couple of seconds where I make this noise and I go rigid still and then I collapse, obviously. So he caught me just in time. I'm like, wow. I said, you've saved my life so many times. Yeah. So I just think I've just been lucky. I've been lucky that I haven't landed on my stomach during pregnancy. I've been lucky to be home and not driving. I've been very lucky. But it's been like a year and a half since my last seizure. So we're on a good run. Touch wood. So it's been very lucky. But we've had to do MRIs and everything throughout the pregnancy and everything just to make sure. Do MRIs on him to make sure he was okay. he's a tough little boy he was a long boy was he 90th percentile wow and a big head 90th

SPEAKER_00: 35:37

percentile my daughter has a huge head too so I understand oh my god so do you get it from your father no he does get it from his father does he yeah you've got quite a normal sized head that's what I think Tim

SPEAKER_02: 35:49

will be like

SPEAKER_00: 35:50

nah they never want to accept any blame though do they

SPEAKER_02: 35:54

but we're both tall so he was going to be a long baby

SPEAKER_00: 35:57

yeah Well, thank you for sharing your story. You're welcome. I just think that you seem so positive and you can just see from your story now how blessed your life is. And I think you've really come a long, long way personally. Yeah. Do you think that?

SPEAKER_02: 36:18

Oh, I don't recognise the old me. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. I know that every day is a blessing. I know how lucky I am. I know that I could have... there was two ways to go you either go and you break that chain and you don't and you stay positive or you go and you turn to drugs and you turn to alcohol which I did but I could have just lived off that you know you hear of alcoholics or druggos or I could have committed suicide if there's such a dark yeah there's such a dark path I could have become I could still be an alcoholic now um but I chose to just hold on to hope yeah I guess just to know that it won't all you can always be like this you can break away no matter how old you are and just break the chain don't treat my husband like my mum treated my husband don't treat my child like mum treated

SPEAKER_00: 37:12

me that's a beautiful message

SPEAKER_02: 37:17

it's never too late